Success Stories
God is showing us some of the fruits of Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness. Below are two interviews of former bachelors who were influenced by the message for early marriage. Chris lives in the United Kingdom, and Darren lives in Chicago, Illinois. Both men are Christians, and we wish them all of God’s blessings on their undertaking of marriage and family life.
Chris:
Before GSAGM, what had you believed about your singleness and about your future plans for marriage? Did you believe marriage would eventually happen? Were you concerned about marrying, or about marrying by a definite time?
From two years before reading your book, I wanted very much to get married and have a family. Before then I wanted the same, but didn't think it would be due to my efforts. I always thought I would get married and have kids, but as I was still single by my mid 30s, I thought I might stay that way. Over those two years I realised I needed to make more effort rather than 'wait for God.' At 38, I wanted to be married and father by 40.
How old were you when the message of GSAGM caught hold? Did the thesis of the book have an impact on your thinking, and what, if any, practical changes did you make as a result of the book?
I was 36 when I first realised that I needed to be more proactive in finding a wife. I read your book when I was 38. It was enthusiastically recommended by a woman who had just dumped me out of the blue, so, of course, at first I didn't want to know. Then she changed her mind and we went out for a few more months, during which time I read the book. It crystallised and gave a theological and biblical underpinning to what I had come to realise about marriage.
Practical changes:
It gave me a clear biblical framework for the need to get married, which intensified my sense of urgency that I should do so before 40. In other words, I really realised that it was up to me to make the effort - the opposite to what my church was teaching! Your book certainly helped me understand how much of the Evangelical Church here and in the USA has been spreading false teaching in this area, so I started to challenge this. The church in which I had been worshipping for a couple of years (famous - All Souls Langham Place - John Stott's) was huge and full of singles, but not in any way urging them to get married. When I criticised this in my fellowship group, I met considerable opposition from an older married couple with two children - the man heads a city mission, and told me that he worked with young men who couldn't do the work they did if they were married. I asked why not?! Couldn't they do more work if they had a supportive wife? This argument was rejected. This was a lack of logic that you highlighted in your book, and illustrated how applicable it was to attitudes in the Church.
I left this church at that time, largely because my then girlfriend was very jealous of me mixing with a large mixed social group, and I thought it would be a sign of commitment. As it turned out, I was wasting my time there, but, looking back, this was providential, because that church illustrated Debbie's point about male- female 'friendship' actually blocking the formation of proper, adult marriage-bound relationships. I was also very involved in the London Christian social scene, including the organisation and promotion of social events, so this gave me plenty of opportunities for observation of, and conversation with, single Christians from different churches. Reading your book, and being in a relationship, meant I could see how this 'friendship fellowship' had actually inhibited my search for a wife, so I gradually cut back on the activities with which I was involved, focusing on my relationship and just supporting social events that challenged this problem.
Despite my commitment to this relationship, my then girlfriend suddenly, and finally, dumped me again, saying that I'd been lovely but she didn't want to marry me (I hadn't yet asked, but I was ready to). This totally devastated me, but I believe that your book and the time spent promoting it had given me a much more focused approach to my search for a wife. You talk a great deal about the tradition of agency in your book, and how this has largely been lost. You also showed how you met your husband through a networking site. Well, up to that time I had rejected using dating sites, as I felt I should instead trust in God's providence, but now I wanted any help I could get to find a wife.
I joined the Christian dating site Fusion101 (it's free, it's big - try it!). I wrote a bold profile, clearly stating that I wanted to get married and start a family. I was shocked how few people had done this on the site! Just a week later, my now wife Clarisa wrote to me. After emails and a long phone call, we met up, after another week. We got on well, found we were both in exactly the same place regarding marriage, and clearly shared a mutual attraction. We were engaged within 6 weeks and married in 51/2 months. Our marriage is now blessed with a wonderful baby girl, Crysya Rose. Because we are now married, our combined incomes allowed us to buy a lovely home, big enough for my parents in law to come over from Romania and live with us. Debbie, your book certainly helped me enlist agency to find a wife. The way I see it, I did my bit, gave it to God, and he did his bit.
Chris, you are now married and have a beautiful daughter to show for it. How has marriage and child changed your life, and the decisions you now make? Has marriage made you richer, i.e. improved your lot in life?
Marriage and fatherhood has stabilised me spiritually, emotionally and sexually. My decisions are now based on my perception of what is best for my family, and for me to fulfill my role as a husband and father. The complete independence I have given up was ultimately more self-serving than giving, and marriage has therefore made me a more giving person, and it also means I receive much more blessing than I did, most obviously in a lovely and loving wife and a gorgeous baby girl. I am therefore much happier and more fulfilled, but also a more productive disciple of Jesus Christ.
Were there certain negative notions of marriage you entertained prior to entering the estate that have now been proved correct or wrong? Were there any expectations you had about being married that have either been disappointed or abundantly satisfied?
Not really - my parents have always been the most excellent advert for marriage. My wife has given herself to me heart, mind, body and soul, and borne me a wonderful daughter, and, with the love of my parents, these are the most precious gifts I have received after my salvation.
As previously single men, would you guys recommend GSAGM to young men you meet, and why?
Absolutely - I have, and one of them has just got married at 26. Because it cuts through all the wrong teaching like a two-edged sword, and replaces it with good, sensible, biblical advice.
Please share any other details you think might benefit the readers of this blog.
Chris:
Before GSAGM, what had you believed about your singleness and about your future plans for marriage? Did you believe marriage would eventually happen? Were you concerned about marrying, or about marrying by a definite time?
From two years before reading your book, I wanted very much to get married and have a family. Before then I wanted the same, but didn't think it would be due to my efforts. I always thought I would get married and have kids, but as I was still single by my mid 30s, I thought I might stay that way. Over those two years I realised I needed to make more effort rather than 'wait for God.' At 38, I wanted to be married and father by 40.
How old were you when the message of GSAGM caught hold? Did the thesis of the book have an impact on your thinking, and what, if any, practical changes did you make as a result of the book?
I was 36 when I first realised that I needed to be more proactive in finding a wife. I read your book when I was 38. It was enthusiastically recommended by a woman who had just dumped me out of the blue, so, of course, at first I didn't want to know. Then she changed her mind and we went out for a few more months, during which time I read the book. It crystallised and gave a theological and biblical underpinning to what I had come to realise about marriage.
Practical changes:
It gave me a clear biblical framework for the need to get married, which intensified my sense of urgency that I should do so before 40. In other words, I really realised that it was up to me to make the effort - the opposite to what my church was teaching! Your book certainly helped me understand how much of the Evangelical Church here and in the USA has been spreading false teaching in this area, so I started to challenge this. The church in which I had been worshipping for a couple of years (famous - All Souls Langham Place - John Stott's) was huge and full of singles, but not in any way urging them to get married. When I criticised this in my fellowship group, I met considerable opposition from an older married couple with two children - the man heads a city mission, and told me that he worked with young men who couldn't do the work they did if they were married. I asked why not?! Couldn't they do more work if they had a supportive wife? This argument was rejected. This was a lack of logic that you highlighted in your book, and illustrated how applicable it was to attitudes in the Church.
I left this church at that time, largely because my then girlfriend was very jealous of me mixing with a large mixed social group, and I thought it would be a sign of commitment. As it turned out, I was wasting my time there, but, looking back, this was providential, because that church illustrated Debbie's point about male- female 'friendship' actually blocking the formation of proper, adult marriage-bound relationships. I was also very involved in the London Christian social scene, including the organisation and promotion of social events, so this gave me plenty of opportunities for observation of, and conversation with, single Christians from different churches. Reading your book, and being in a relationship, meant I could see how this 'friendship fellowship' had actually inhibited my search for a wife, so I gradually cut back on the activities with which I was involved, focusing on my relationship and just supporting social events that challenged this problem.
Despite my commitment to this relationship, my then girlfriend suddenly, and finally, dumped me again, saying that I'd been lovely but she didn't want to marry me (I hadn't yet asked, but I was ready to). This totally devastated me, but I believe that your book and the time spent promoting it had given me a much more focused approach to my search for a wife. You talk a great deal about the tradition of agency in your book, and how this has largely been lost. You also showed how you met your husband through a networking site. Well, up to that time I had rejected using dating sites, as I felt I should instead trust in God's providence, but now I wanted any help I could get to find a wife.
I joined the Christian dating site Fusion101 (it's free, it's big - try it!). I wrote a bold profile, clearly stating that I wanted to get married and start a family. I was shocked how few people had done this on the site! Just a week later, my now wife Clarisa wrote to me. After emails and a long phone call, we met up, after another week. We got on well, found we were both in exactly the same place regarding marriage, and clearly shared a mutual attraction. We were engaged within 6 weeks and married in 51/2 months. Our marriage is now blessed with a wonderful baby girl, Crysya Rose. Because we are now married, our combined incomes allowed us to buy a lovely home, big enough for my parents in law to come over from Romania and live with us. Debbie, your book certainly helped me enlist agency to find a wife. The way I see it, I did my bit, gave it to God, and he did his bit.
Chris, you are now married and have a beautiful daughter to show for it. How has marriage and child changed your life, and the decisions you now make? Has marriage made you richer, i.e. improved your lot in life?
Marriage and fatherhood has stabilised me spiritually, emotionally and sexually. My decisions are now based on my perception of what is best for my family, and for me to fulfill my role as a husband and father. The complete independence I have given up was ultimately more self-serving than giving, and marriage has therefore made me a more giving person, and it also means I receive much more blessing than I did, most obviously in a lovely and loving wife and a gorgeous baby girl. I am therefore much happier and more fulfilled, but also a more productive disciple of Jesus Christ.
Were there certain negative notions of marriage you entertained prior to entering the estate that have now been proved correct or wrong? Were there any expectations you had about being married that have either been disappointed or abundantly satisfied?
Not really - my parents have always been the most excellent advert for marriage. My wife has given herself to me heart, mind, body and soul, and borne me a wonderful daughter, and, with the love of my parents, these are the most precious gifts I have received after my salvation.
As previously single men, would you guys recommend GSAGM to young men you meet, and why?
Absolutely - I have, and one of them has just got married at 26. Because it cuts through all the wrong teaching like a two-edged sword, and replaces it with good, sensible, biblical advice.
Please share any other details you think might benefit the readers of this blog.
For single men seeking a wife: I was, in different contexts, and to differing degrees, rejected as a potential husband four times in just over two years. Each rejection made me stronger as a man and all the more determined to find a wife. So, men, keep going, don't be disheartened, try all means available, and you will do likewise. That means joining dating sights and going to as many social events as possible, with the clear intention of asking women out. If you don't look hard and keep asking women out, you will probably stay single, at least until you are getting too old to have children. Remember: do your bit, give it to God, and He'll do His bit. After all, as Debbie points out, don't do you do this when you need to find work? And isn't getting married more important to your life as a whole than finding a particular job?
For single women seeking a husband (based on my experience and with my wife's endorsement): There are less men than women in the Evangelical Church, so make much more of an effort to attract men when you are at Church, go to all the social events with the same aim, and join as many dating sites as possible. If you want to have children, make every effort you can to get married before 30. If you don't take this advice, you will find it hard to get married at all. When a man is interested in you, stop being so fussy! If you meet a good Christian, you get on well and you find him attractive, and then why not marry him? What else are you looking for? If you can't see anyone at church, if possible, go to a much bigger church. Get the most attractive picture of yourself you can, write you want to get married, and join as many dating sites as possible.
For single women seeking a husband (based on my experience and with my wife's endorsement): There are less men than women in the Evangelical Church, so make much more of an effort to attract men when you are at Church, go to all the social events with the same aim, and join as many dating sites as possible. If you want to have children, make every effort you can to get married before 30. If you don't take this advice, you will find it hard to get married at all. When a man is interested in you, stop being so fussy! If you meet a good Christian, you get on well and you find him attractive, and then why not marry him? What else are you looking for? If you can't see anyone at church, if possible, go to a much bigger church. Get the most attractive picture of yourself you can, write you want to get married, and join as many dating sites as possible.
Darren :
Before GSAGM, what had you believed about your singleness and about your future plans for marriage?
In regards to my singleness and future plans for marriage, yes, I wanted to get married. However, I was also struggling with a very serious personal problem and it was impossible for me to consider a relationship of any kind. I never had any intentions to stay single as long as I did, but I believe that to have married without first addressing those personal problems in my life, I would have seriously hurt whoever I did marry.
Did you believe marriage would eventually happen?
I guess the answer is yes and no. In one sense I believed that eventually it would happen, although I had no idea when. However, when I was in the midst of depression because my life had come so undone it was difficult to conceive that I would ever get married, or that any woman would ever want to marry me.
Were you concerned about marrying, or about marrying by a definite time?
This kind of ties in to my answer from the last question. I wasn’t concerned about being married by any particular age, yet at the same time I also thought that I would be 50 before I got my life together and would be able to get married. That certainly was depressing to think about. Also, both my younger brothers were married before I was, and that made me wonder how long before I would get married.
Did the thesis of the book have an impact on your thinking, and what, if any, practical changes did you make as a result of the book?
The idea of not delaying marriage stuck with me, and that certainly became a motivation to get my life together before it was delayed any longer. In fact, as more people around me got married, especially those younger than me, this idea became more and more pronounced.
Darren, since you spent some one-on-one time with my husband and discussed the benefits of plodding ahead with marriage, did the personal interactions with a friend have an impact on your decisions to proceed onward toward marriage?
Yes.
If so, how?
Well, for me, it was through the example they showed in their own lives. Seeing them and talking with them made me desire even more what they had.
In general, do you think one-on-one interaction/exchange of counsel will help this generation of single people to achieve marriage sooner rather than later?
Yes. Young men especially need this type of guidance. Most women I encounter (although not all) seem to desire marriage, while it’s the men who don’t seem to make this a priority. I think you would agree with me; and you do a good job in your book of showing how much our attitude as a society has changed in regards to men that remain single.
What I believe young men really need to know is not only the importance of getting married, but being responsible adults so that they can get married. One of the main reasons I was unable to get married sooner was because I was emotionally and financially unable to support anyone, including myself. Men need to learn personal responsibility with their own lives so that they can be responsible with the lives of others.
Darren, though not yet a dad, please tell me about your marriage experience as newlyweds over the past year.
That’s a big question to answer, but to sum it up in a word: awesome. I’ve never been more at peace in my heart. We both are so happy, and even though we had some struggles, God has been with us and will continue to be with us.
Were there certain negative notions of marriage you entertained prior to entering the estate that have now been proved correct or wrong?
One notion I had about marriage was that it would merely be an extension of dating. In other words, I had always envisioned that my wife would be just like a girlfriend, except that we would be living together. But marriage is an entirely different estate altogether.
Because marriage is entirely different from dating, I can be transparent with my wife whereas I couldn’t be with my girlfriend. Even in my most serious girlfriend relationships, I couldn’t achieve the level of emotional intimacy that I now share with my wife. And that brings about freedom. With girlfriends, I felt this constant pressure to always perform, to be something or somebody just to make them happy. In marriage, my wife accepts me for who I am and I’m free to be me.
I’ve also discovered the security that marriage brings with it, something that none of my dating relationships could ever give me. I believe that this has to do with the commitment that marriage entails: “as long as we both shall live.” In dating relationships I was always afraid that my girlfriend would leave me if we had an argument. In marriage, I know that my wife will never leave me. Of course I don’t desire to fight with her, but I know that if we do, we’ll still be together when it’s over.
Naturally, my skewed thinking that marriage would be just like dating certainly didn’t speed up my walk to the altar. After all, if marriage was virtually the same as dating, why rush into things? I can see now through my own life that having a right view of marriage is vital to how vigorously it’s pursued, or how much longer it’s delayed.
Were there any expectations you had about being married that have either been disappointed or abundantly satisfied?
Marriage has fully exceeded all of my expectations. I’ve never been more at peace in my heart, and I’ve never been more stable in my life. Helen is an outstanding wife. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and faithful. She’s also humble and has a real servant-like attitude. I definitely married up.
As previously single men, would you guys recommend GSAGM to young men you meet, and why?
I would because there are single men who definitely don’t see the importance of marriage and are delaying it without any good reason. I think, in general, the next generation of young men need to understand the benefits of marriage and being ready for it when they are of marriageable age.
Please share any other details you think might benefit the readers of this blog.
I think when we counsel those who are single, especially young men, it’s important to discern between those who are ready for marriage but are delaying it because they don’t want the responsibility, and those who want marriage but are really not ready for it. I think it’s important to be sensitive to this because those who want to get married but are not ready for it can feel pressured by those around them asking them about when they will get married. Just like women, men too can feel sad and lonely about being single, and we should be aware of this.
I believe that we need to educate men in how to be responsible and mature adults, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Older men should take the lead in doing this, mentoring those who are younger than themselves. Recognizing some of my own mistakes, I took it upon myself to start a group Bible study for some of the young men in our fellowship. Right now we are studying Exodus, contrasting Moses and Pharaoh and the type of men they were. My hope has been to make it as practical as possible, so that they grow in both their faith and their works.
Finally, as I’m sure you would agree with me, the church needs to be proactive in helping men and women grow up so that they can be ready for marriage, and help them find partners suitable for them. If young people are taught to trust God with this most important life decision, it really will be the best decision they’ve ever made.
My church was very proactive in helping me get married. They not only prayed for me to get married but they also practically helped me to find someone. Through a mentor, an older man at my church who taught me the Bible, I was introduced to my wife. Of course he knew her and had prayed about this long before he suggested her to me. And he had helped me to grow in my faith so he knew that I was really ready for marriage. The same was true for her. She also had a mentor who taught her the Bible and had helped her to reach the point of being ready for marriage. When her mentor and my mentor talked to one another and prayed for God’s leading, they decided to introduce the two of us to each other, to see if it really was God’s will.
For me, I had to trust God with this completely, which meant I had to pray about it. And it was a big decision of faith. The reason I say this is that she was in Venezuela and I was in Chicago. I had never met her, talked to her on the phone, or exchanged any email with her. The first time I knew what she looked like was the day before I left for Venezuela to meet her. However, when I prayed about it sincerely, God moved my heart. Furthermore, I trusted my mentor and I knew that he wasn’t going to introduce me to somebody that he didn’t think would be good for me, or somebody that I wouldn’t be attracted to. So, even before I left I was able to honestly say that I was 90% certain that I was going to marry her. I didn’t know why, but I believed it was God’s leading.
And it was God’s leading. I went to Venezuela, and after five days we were engaged. I had to leave to return to the States, but three months later after she received her visa, she came to the U.S. and we were married. And, as they say, the rest is history.
In the case of Helen and me, our church played an integral part in us growing in our faith so we could be ready for marriage, as well as the practical aspect of us actually meeting one another. I think it serves as a good model for how the church at large should be helping people make the commitment to marry.
Marriage is an opportunity to share a lifetime of happiness and joy with another person. For me, that opportunity was five days long, from the moment I got off the plane in Caracas to the time I left. That’s not a lot of time to make a decision that will last a lifetime, but that was the time that was given to me. If I left there and wasn’t engaged, I wouldn’t be able to change my mind a week later. I knew this, but I was also afraid of making the wrong decision. I wanted to know before I made the decision whether it was right or not, yet it was in making the decision that I discovered the answer to this.
So on the morning that I became engaged, I got up early, dressed in my suit, and went up to a small hill and sat on a bench where she and I had talked the day before. I had asked her to meet me there, and we both knew what was going to happen. No one else was around, and I was so nervous as I sat there waiting for her to arrive. Then, I heard a noise, and she was suddenly there and sat down next to me. I looked over at her and said, “Okay, this is for real. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” She said, “Yes.” So I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She accepted my proposal, and it was in that very moment that I knew I had just made the best decision of my life.
It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, but it was the right decision. I have no regrets since that day. I’ve never second guessed myself or wondered if she really was the right person. And although I love her so much, I believe that when the time comes for us to part ways in this life and enter eternity, I will be even more in love with her than I am right now. I could not imagine who I would be or what my life would be like if I had passed up the opportunity when God gave it to me.
Yes.
If so, how?
Well, for me, it was through the example they showed in their own lives. Seeing them and talking with them made me desire even more what they had.
In general, do you think one-on-one interaction/exchange of counsel will help this generation of single people to achieve marriage sooner rather than later?
Yes. Young men especially need this type of guidance. Most women I encounter (although not all) seem to desire marriage, while it’s the men who don’t seem to make this a priority. I think you would agree with me; and you do a good job in your book of showing how much our attitude as a society has changed in regards to men that remain single.
What I believe young men really need to know is not only the importance of getting married, but being responsible adults so that they can get married. One of the main reasons I was unable to get married sooner was because I was emotionally and financially unable to support anyone, including myself. Men need to learn personal responsibility with their own lives so that they can be responsible with the lives of others.
Darren, though not yet a dad, please tell me about your marriage experience as newlyweds over the past year.
That’s a big question to answer, but to sum it up in a word: awesome. I’ve never been more at peace in my heart. We both are so happy, and even though we had some struggles, God has been with us and will continue to be with us.
Were there certain negative notions of marriage you entertained prior to entering the estate that have now been proved correct or wrong?
One notion I had about marriage was that it would merely be an extension of dating. In other words, I had always envisioned that my wife would be just like a girlfriend, except that we would be living together. But marriage is an entirely different estate altogether.
Because marriage is entirely different from dating, I can be transparent with my wife whereas I couldn’t be with my girlfriend. Even in my most serious girlfriend relationships, I couldn’t achieve the level of emotional intimacy that I now share with my wife. And that brings about freedom. With girlfriends, I felt this constant pressure to always perform, to be something or somebody just to make them happy. In marriage, my wife accepts me for who I am and I’m free to be me.
I’ve also discovered the security that marriage brings with it, something that none of my dating relationships could ever give me. I believe that this has to do with the commitment that marriage entails: “as long as we both shall live.” In dating relationships I was always afraid that my girlfriend would leave me if we had an argument. In marriage, I know that my wife will never leave me. Of course I don’t desire to fight with her, but I know that if we do, we’ll still be together when it’s over.
Naturally, my skewed thinking that marriage would be just like dating certainly didn’t speed up my walk to the altar. After all, if marriage was virtually the same as dating, why rush into things? I can see now through my own life that having a right view of marriage is vital to how vigorously it’s pursued, or how much longer it’s delayed.
Were there any expectations you had about being married that have either been disappointed or abundantly satisfied?
Marriage has fully exceeded all of my expectations. I’ve never been more at peace in my heart, and I’ve never been more stable in my life. Helen is an outstanding wife. She’s beautiful, intelligent, and faithful. She’s also humble and has a real servant-like attitude. I definitely married up.
As previously single men, would you guys recommend GSAGM to young men you meet, and why?
I would because there are single men who definitely don’t see the importance of marriage and are delaying it without any good reason. I think, in general, the next generation of young men need to understand the benefits of marriage and being ready for it when they are of marriageable age.
Please share any other details you think might benefit the readers of this blog.
I think when we counsel those who are single, especially young men, it’s important to discern between those who are ready for marriage but are delaying it because they don’t want the responsibility, and those who want marriage but are really not ready for it. I think it’s important to be sensitive to this because those who want to get married but are not ready for it can feel pressured by those around them asking them about when they will get married. Just like women, men too can feel sad and lonely about being single, and we should be aware of this.
I believe that we need to educate men in how to be responsible and mature adults, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Older men should take the lead in doing this, mentoring those who are younger than themselves. Recognizing some of my own mistakes, I took it upon myself to start a group Bible study for some of the young men in our fellowship. Right now we are studying Exodus, contrasting Moses and Pharaoh and the type of men they were. My hope has been to make it as practical as possible, so that they grow in both their faith and their works.
Finally, as I’m sure you would agree with me, the church needs to be proactive in helping men and women grow up so that they can be ready for marriage, and help them find partners suitable for them. If young people are taught to trust God with this most important life decision, it really will be the best decision they’ve ever made.
My church was very proactive in helping me get married. They not only prayed for me to get married but they also practically helped me to find someone. Through a mentor, an older man at my church who taught me the Bible, I was introduced to my wife. Of course he knew her and had prayed about this long before he suggested her to me. And he had helped me to grow in my faith so he knew that I was really ready for marriage. The same was true for her. She also had a mentor who taught her the Bible and had helped her to reach the point of being ready for marriage. When her mentor and my mentor talked to one another and prayed for God’s leading, they decided to introduce the two of us to each other, to see if it really was God’s will.
For me, I had to trust God with this completely, which meant I had to pray about it. And it was a big decision of faith. The reason I say this is that she was in Venezuela and I was in Chicago. I had never met her, talked to her on the phone, or exchanged any email with her. The first time I knew what she looked like was the day before I left for Venezuela to meet her. However, when I prayed about it sincerely, God moved my heart. Furthermore, I trusted my mentor and I knew that he wasn’t going to introduce me to somebody that he didn’t think would be good for me, or somebody that I wouldn’t be attracted to. So, even before I left I was able to honestly say that I was 90% certain that I was going to marry her. I didn’t know why, but I believed it was God’s leading.
And it was God’s leading. I went to Venezuela, and after five days we were engaged. I had to leave to return to the States, but three months later after she received her visa, she came to the U.S. and we were married. And, as they say, the rest is history.
In the case of Helen and me, our church played an integral part in us growing in our faith so we could be ready for marriage, as well as the practical aspect of us actually meeting one another. I think it serves as a good model for how the church at large should be helping people make the commitment to marry.
Marriage is an opportunity to share a lifetime of happiness and joy with another person. For me, that opportunity was five days long, from the moment I got off the plane in Caracas to the time I left. That’s not a lot of time to make a decision that will last a lifetime, but that was the time that was given to me. If I left there and wasn’t engaged, I wouldn’t be able to change my mind a week later. I knew this, but I was also afraid of making the wrong decision. I wanted to know before I made the decision whether it was right or not, yet it was in making the decision that I discovered the answer to this.
So on the morning that I became engaged, I got up early, dressed in my suit, and went up to a small hill and sat on a bench where she and I had talked the day before. I had asked her to meet me there, and we both knew what was going to happen. No one else was around, and I was so nervous as I sat there waiting for her to arrive. Then, I heard a noise, and she was suddenly there and sat down next to me. I looked over at her and said, “Okay, this is for real. Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” She said, “Yes.” So I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She accepted my proposal, and it was in that very moment that I knew I had just made the best decision of my life.
It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, but it was the right decision. I have no regrets since that day. I’ve never second guessed myself or wondered if she really was the right person. And although I love her so much, I believe that when the time comes for us to part ways in this life and enter eternity, I will be even more in love with her than I am right now. I could not imagine who I would be or what my life would be like if I had passed up the opportunity when God gave it to me.
posted by Debbie Maken at 11:15 PM
15 Comments:
Very, very inspiring stories, both of them. I appreciate Chris' honesty about struggling with the teachings at All Souls, the lifetime church of Rev. Dr. John Stott, a widely respected and much loved church leader and theologian who was also single. Stott once said,
"The gift of singleness is more a vocation than an empowerment, although to be sure God is faithful in supporting those he calls."
Debbie's book and writings on Boundless show that this kind of thinking is entirely wrong -- singleness is not a gift, but rather a choice for those who have the empowerment to contain themselves sexually, for the sake of doing kingdom work.
It takes courage and integrity to challenge the status quo. Thank you, Debbie, for having the integrity to draw our attention to these confusing misconceptions so that men like Chris and Darren can pursue marriage, confident in God's unwavering approval.
Nice entries. I plan to read your book while I take a "mini-furlough" in the States.
Great to hear these stories from the man's perspective! I'm looking forward to more. My husband and I are the parents of eight and have two grown children who are unmarried. We are striving to help facilitate marriages for both but still feel a bit like we are groping in the dark! Thanks for any illumination you can shed on the subject.
BTW-your book was wonderful!
Jill
I would like to hear women's stories. I believe that it is easier for a man to get married once he sets his mind to it than a woman. I guess I am speaking from personal experience.
Dear last anon:
There are two women's success stories imbedded in this post, and those stories belong to the wives of Chris and Darren. You kind of make my whole point-- it is easier for guys to get married once they set their minds to it. But there are things women can do as well to increase their odds of matrimony, and my own success story as told in my book could help illuminate your personal experience as well.
Debbie Maken
Debbie
I wanted to thank you so much for your book. I especially enjoyed part 2 where you went over the lies the church tells us and then refuted them with the truth. I'm 31 years old and have struggled with this for yrs. I grew up with the Bibical understanding of marriage and hold to it. I also heard a lot of the teaching of singleness from churches in my adult years. This left me confused about marriage and afraid to really admit what I really believed and felt about my own struggle with singleness. Like you I was involved in a single's ministry. I made great girlfriends there and we all struggled with this. We'd cry to each other, but never got any comfort from our church leaders. We watched as those around us enjoyed and extended childhood (men and women)but didn't know what to do about our own desire to get married. We didn't like going but it was the only time we saw each other so we hung in there. We all hung on to the hope we'd meet a guy who wanted to get married like us there someday. I came to the conclusion the kind of guy I'm going to marry will not be found in that group and left that church. Not just for that reason. The preaching really went downhill. I now attend a PCA church that encourages marriage. My girlfriends are slowly getting married. I haven't met anyone yet but I'm taking a more proactive approach in finding a mate. I pray boldly that God sends me a husband soon. I know I need to do more than pray and sometimes I'm at a loss as to what to do. When I started this process a few months ago I prayed that God would guide my steps. I just need to walk in those steps. Thank you for your book. It's so needed in the church.
Karen
Sometimes you have to wait on God's timing in order to find a mate, whether you're 22 or 40 even if God doesn't want you to be married. Sometimes we don't understand his time, though on marriage I take more of a middle of the road approach where it wouldn't be the end of the world if I didn't get married nor am I sitting at home just praying for God to send me a husband. I liked the second guy's story though where he waited when he was ready for marriage to pursue it, and even acknowledged that there are some young people who aren't ready for marriage yet. Do you feel that you're teaching that you're pushing God's timing if its not lining up with what you agree with. The harsh reality is that marriage and kids isn't in God's plan for everybody.
Dear last anon:
Thank you for your comment and I am genuinely glad you asked.
There are a few things I would like to address with regard to your association about "God's timing" and "God's will," and somehow our belief that whenever we get married, it must ergo have been "God's timing and His will" for that very exact moment in time and space. Whether we get married at 22 or 40, no one can conclusively say it was "God's perfect and pleasing will." We are asked to live by God's normatives and that is what is written in the pages of Scripture. Scripture five times suggests that marriage in our youth is the wisest course, not unnecessarily delaying same until our late twenties and beyond.
With regard to the second guy's story, I really don't see where we have some Scriptural excuse "to wait" until "we are ready" for marriage. Scripture assumes that good responsible Christians are ready to assume the mantle of adulthood through marriage sometime "in their youth." It tells us that there was a time when I thought like a child, reasoned like a child, but then to make a sharp break, and put away childish things. We live in a culture that tells us that extending adolescence is inconsequential, and we have developed a theology to reinforce that value system-- gee, I got married at thirty, must be God's will; gee, I got married at thirty-five, must be God's will; gee, I got married at fifty-five, must be God's will; gee, I didn't get married at all or have kids, must not have been "God's plan." Somehow, we Christians can always make God's timing "line up" and "agree with" however the story ends. Sadly, we make God our puppet to sanctify and validate all our choices that ultimately led up to when/whether we actually got married. Just because "there are some young people who aren't ready for marriage," does not mean that they should not have already been ready. Even the second interviewee Darren intimated that certain sins/ bad decisions held him back from being ready. He was not therefore suggesting that people have some sort of carte blanche for figuring out when it is they think they can get themselves ready, just because he took longer than his younger siblings and peers. Your thinking is a lot like Paul's refutation-- do we sin more, so that grace can abound? Certainly not.
I am not sure why having a temperament of being undisturbed at the prospect of being perpetually or permanently unfamilied should be described as "middle of the road." I tend to think that attitude is cavalier, apathetic, and either an excuse for mediocrity or flattery for failing in pursuing normal life goals, the course or script that virtually every culture before us followed as normative. If enough Christian people share your attitude that marrying young and siring children will not mean "the end of the world," it actually will shape the decline of Christendom, which is an end of sorts and the commencement of a season of darkness for sure. Formerly Christian Western European countries that have adopted that vision mass scale are now seeing the fruits of that belief pattern-- lower number of marriages, fornication still continues, lower birthrates, more illegitimacy and troubled youth, lower levels of production, importing foreign workers with unChristian values to carry the workload, . . . mosques replacing churches. Even this country lacks a certain vitality because of the fewer number of peoples due to abortion and childlessness from the lack of marriages or belated marriages. If it weren't for the illegals (and thank God for their very Catholic ideas on reproduction), I have my doubts as to whether we would even meet the replacement level birth rate (2.1)to sustain ourselves.
Anon, I hope you are doing more than just sitting at home waiting. I hope you are proactive and God rewards your wishes and efforts to marry. As a woman in this culture which has no organizational infrastructure to pursue marriage in a timely and orderly fashion with good results, I feel for you. But don't rationalize failures whether personal, systemmatic, cultural, societal under the packaging of deep theology and consolation language.
Debbie Maken
"Scripture assumes that good responsible Christians are ready to assume the mantle of adulthood through marriage sometime 'in their youth.'"
I think one of the enemy's successes in our culture is that we have a generation (or two or three) of people who genuinely are not ready for marriage. They've been raised without the sort of discipline that shapes a competent adult. I think of the verse in Proverbs that says (I'm going from memory, so be merciful), "He who does not discipline his son desires his death." So we've got a lot of ruined people walking around who really aren't ready to start a family when they ought to be ready.
Of course the answer is for them to repent and get ready, but that doesn't happen in a day. Thanks be to God that He does grant grace to become ready, but it shouldn't surprise us if that readiness comes late.
Great to see another post from you, by the way. Don't wait another eight months next time, OK? ;-)
Dear Debbie
Thank you for your book but to be honest I've had to put it down as I felt so discouraged. I am a 40 yr old woman. I gave my life to the Lord at the age of 29, and quite rightly my pastors were always encouraging us singles to get married. Unfortunately I did not know how to pursue this, as in those days dating sites were very very new thing and we did not have single social events. So I've waited and waited, thinking this was the right way. But as I've waited I've lost confidence and hope in meeting anyone now. I just feel I've passed it as you wrote in your book getting married now would be a piece meal marriage. I had always believed it was Gods will and timing that he would bring a partner to me, but now I feel coz I made no real effort I've missed something I've wanted more than ever in my life.
Anne
Anne,
I am sorry that you are discouraged and feel like you "missed the boat" by waiting so long. But you are not alone and there are many sisters who share this journey with you. I just hope that you will be forthright with your younger sisters in the Lord to not listen to many of the marriage-counterproductive messages they hear within the church, and to rightly divide the word of God on this issue as to man/woman's active involvement. I hope that the Lord will give you a spirit of perseverence and that the clouds of despair will evaporate as you live out your Christian walk understanding that there was a cost involved in the delay of marriage (whether intentional/unintentional) and that there are some things you can "still" do if you desire to be married. I still think a piece meal is better than no meal. So, don't lose heart, and remember that those upon whom the Lord shines are radiant and their faces are not covered in shame. You are a daughter of the king and He is on the throne.
Debbie Maken
Dear Anne,
I didn't marry until 37, my baby was born three years later. The companionship of marriage is really wonderful. Even without a child, I loved my life as a married woman. (as compared with being single) I met my husband through a Christian singles service. Mrs. Maken is right, there are still things you can do. Even children might still be a possibility for you, depending on how good your genes are. (The women in my family have for several generations been able to bear children late in life.) Please don't give up hope. I will remember you in my prayers tonight.
Dear Anne,
Don't give up - but act fast! Take the advice above, go for it 100% and trust it all to God.
All the best,
Chris (see opening testimony).
Forgive me if I'm a little cynical. But both stories in your post show couples who *barely knew each other* getting married. I'm a strong believer in knowing someone for the four seasons (i.e. a year) before being able to be confident of their character. Sure, get engaged within that first year if you must, but is there any harm in waiting another 6 months?
I once had a boyfriend who proposed after 4 weeks. It was beautiful, romantic... but I had hesitations. Over the next few months of dating, I learned of some serious character flaws and decidedly non-Christian behaviour. It's so easy to hide those at the start.
One of my best friends, late 30's, met a man on a Christian dating site. They were engaged within 6 months, married within a year. Two years later, he's started cheating on her and says the love is gone.
Two examples of ridiculously short timeframes of engagement that could have been circumvented had the couple had longer to get to know each other.
That said, I'm all for marriage, and I very much agree with pro-action. I just caution people to give it a year. After all, what's one more year compared to a lifetime with the person?
Dear Ashley,
Why set an arbitrary time limit? Regarding your friend’s sad experience, there are plenty of cases of men (and some of women) shielding bad character for a year or more, only to reveal it once they get married. You write, ‘I once had a boyfriend who proposed after 4 weeks. It was beautiful, romantic... but I had hesitations.’ Fine, if you had hesitations, good to wait before they were resolved, one way or the other, as you did. But what if you didn’t have any hesitations? That was the case with my wife and I. Don’t you think it’s more important to ensure that you feel that way about someone before you get engaged? If so, and you’re both into your 30s, why wait, especially if you want to have children? I’ve met single Christian women in their 40s (and beyond) who say, ‘It’s better not to get married than to marry the wrong person.’ But I would ask: have they been far too fussy? We are all sinners. Or have they done everything they possibly could to get married? The tragic fact is they are very probably going to be childless, and, to be honest, in my experience, very likely never to get married either, especially as there is a shortage of men in the Church. Not only is this tragic on a personal level (unless they have fully committed themselves to celibacy), it is also tragic for the Church, as there are less Christian children in the world. If you find yourself in this situation, or in danger of it, whatever you do, read Debbie’s excellent book, and take the advice being given there and in this blog.
I do think it is absolutely vital to meet your partner’s family before you decide to get married – that should give you the main indicators of how that person is likely to approach marriage and behave once married. We met each other’s families very quickly, and our perceptions about each other based upon that have proven to be absolutely spot on.
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